Almost Christmas

It's been a strange Christmas Season here in our home. The stuff with Colby, then the failure of our next door neighbor's adoption a few days ago, my surgery and Jake and Michelle's voluntary absence from our family, have made Christmas a lot of work this year. The weird part is that the feelings of wanting to give, the love, the warmth and the excitement, are all still underlying everything. But that's just it. They are UNDER everything. I find joy in my little one's faces and excitement. But those feelings seem to be so fleeting this year. I guess I am just very sad. That makes sense, right? I worry for Traci, Jake and Lynnie and what they are enduring right now; I worry for Char and Mike and what this has done to them; I see how deeply hurt my husband has been, and disillusioned he still is; I watch my own kids push away the hurt of missing Colby, Jake and Michelle, and I worry for them. And then, it all hurts me as an individual too. I know my Heavenly Father loves me, Joel and our kids, and He knows us. He has shown me so many times, I can't doubt. But I still feel hurt and I still worry. I hope that doesn't take away from the love and comfort he offers me and each of us; I just know that even though I feel his love, it doesn't take away any of this pain. It makes it bearable, I guess, but it is still present.

So we carry on. We just carry on. I try to find magic for my kids still. The snow helps. I try to nurture and understand Joel. So many years together I think help there. I try to carry whatever I can of Traci, Jake, Mike and Char's burdens, but I know whatever I do is insignificant. I pray for all of us, and try to remember Christmas's when all my children were home, happy and knew they were loved. I really hope they still know, where ever they are, that they are all loved. Nothing changes that, surprisingly. We tell them, we send reminders and try to show them, but at this point, for what ever reason, nothing seems to be enough.

Being a parent is really really hard.

Thanks to the surgery, I have now taken a pain pill, so hopefully the next blog is happier, or at least sillier! :)

Merry Christmas.